So as I was waiting last night for my latest batch of porn to download (yeah, that’s right, I download, bite me) I suddenly came upon an epiphany. See, the way I see it, long-term relationships and marriage are unnatural, and since people are so big about going ‘natural’ nowadays, I say we get started on it by dumping this filthy, unhealthy habit of ours.
Why, you ask? Well, think about it; according to evolution (you can fuck off right now if you’re one of those ‘intelligent design’ assholes, cause there’s no hope for you losers) the next closest relations we have in the animal world are apes. Alright, let’s take a step even further back (if you’re willing to take the leap) and look into what class we belong to (for those of you dipshits out there that failed elementary biology, its mammalia).
So what does the biology lecture have to do with my idea? Chew on this for a bit: our closest relations in the animal kingdom do not practice monogamy, in fact, very few mammals do practice monogamy. So doesn’t that mean that we shouldn’t either? I mean the only animals that do practice strict monogamy are our avian friends, giving a whole new meaning to word bird-brain.
Now I know I’m going to be getting a lot of email from you smart-ass retards saying “Hey, but what about the testis size relation to mating systems?” So I’m going to tell you my answer right now: its bullshit. For those of you that don’t understand what I’m talking about; there are people who believe that the size of the testis reflects the mating habits of the species (polygamy, monogamy, and homosexuality). Human evolution is a pretty rapid response system, although the changes are so miniscule they aren’t noticeable (so no, we aren’t going to see kids who develop superpowers when they hit puberty jumping out of the ground, that’s just retarded). Since environmental changes have some of the most profound effects on human evolution it’s only natural that the size of our testes would shrink, since they’re not being used as much (a fucking shame if you ask me) as a result of forced societal monogamy. Even then, their relative size is still not small enough to say that our ancestors didn’t practice polygamy, so there assholes.
If you think about the idea of marriage and monogamy from an objective point of view (which is surprisingly hard given how deep some assholes’ opinions are), you’d find that they idea of marriage is often found in almost every ‘civilized’ society. So does that mean I’m wrong? Fuck no, those assholes were. Marriage was just a means to keep people from killing each other over, because their rulers couldn’t have their fighting forces destroyed over a bunch of worthless women who were only fit for baby-making (hey, don’t blame me, that’s what they thought). But I think that we’re ready for a change now. I mean, we’re all pretty much practicing polygamy (or at least some twisted form of it) by having sex with multiple partners (hey, polyandry’s ok too). I mean, I think people are beginning to get it too, subconsciously at least, because the number of divorces is increasing every year at an exponential rate (and no, I don’t buy that bullshit theory floating around that it’s a conspiracy to sabotage religion. You want religious sabotage? I've got two words for you: choir boy).
I’m sure that they’re some of you out there that are of the more spiritual (retarded) variety – who haven’t stopped reading, despite me telling you to (and you’re going to go to hell for it) – and you guys are like arguing “But hey, how do you explain the fact that people who live in isolation, like those tribes in the Amazon practice monogamy?” First of all, dumbass, “isolated tribes in the Amazon?” how the hell would you know what they practice, have you been invited to a wedding ceremony? And how would I explain how people who used to be isolated from the ‘civilized’ world know and practice monogamy? Evolution, jackass. People don’t just pop out of the fucking ground and know how to do everything, we’re taught (or conditioned, whatever gets you hard) by those before us, so isn’t it likely that ‘urge’ to be monogamous evolved in an early human society as a means of conflict dispute? Which, I must admit, was a really brilliant idea on the part of our ancestors (no seriously) because the last thing anyone would want is the human race to destroy itself over who fucked who’s bitch.
But now that the human race has propagated itself nicely to the point that it’s become an infestation, I say let’s cast our hesitations aside and do what we've all wanted to: go back to the good old days of polygamy, practiced by our ancestors. Worst comes to worst, a couple of billion people die, which is no problem, we’ve got enough stock to keep us covered until the human race begins to bottleneck, plus its not like we have anything useful or constructive to do anyway.
